Friendship doesn’t mean the same thing for everyone

Re-evaluating our perspective on our relationships

Each one of us can give his or her definition of what friendship is. We cannot deny then that friendship has a personal construed meaning. If so, what are its implications?

1: It can help us manage our expectations

Friendships are rewarding: at some point in our lives, we have seen and gained something beneficial from it.

First, how do we make friends? Numerous books have tried to provide an exhaustive list of recommendations and principles related to this question, but I suppose there is no “one-size-fits-all” answer. We meet people where they are at. Some friends do come from surprising places. Some friendships are built through conscious efforts. However, as our relationships age, we carry out expectations. It is natural to have them — neuroscience has proven that we get motivated by our anticipation for rewards. Friendships are rewarding: at some point in our lives, we have seen and gained something beneficial from it. Despite this, it is common knowledge that too much expectations lead to disappointment. Before we know it, it could be affecting certain areas in our life, specifically how we relate to our external world.

If we acknowledge that we view friendship differently, then we can learn how to handle our expectations. I have met people who prefer low-maintenance connections, and I have also seen people who long to be in high-maintenance relationships. I have failed many people for not meeting their needs and I also admit that I get frustrated when people do not meet my expectations. Handling abusive and toxic people is a different story, but when we start recognizing in our intimate circles that we may view our relationships differently, we can also start teaching ourselves to handle our demands from people.

Friends who do not look after you? Maybe they just want you to reach out to them for help. Friends who do not invite you for Friday dinners? They exist. Friends who are not used to adventures? Sometimes, you have to bear with them. Some of our friends just settle with mundane things. Some may go so extreme as to be inseparable with you. Even our so-called “closest friends” may not be with us in our sufferings. Whatever the reason for your friendship is, understanding that your friend is still an autonomous being helps us in making healthy boundaries.

Handling abusive and toxic people is a different story, but when we start recognizing in our intimate circles that we may view our relationships differently, we can also start teaching ourselves to handle our demands from people.

2: It can help us be more flexible in our relationships

With this simple truth that each one of us is unique, how, then, shall we respond? We can begin to intentionally observe and check on their language, behavior, values, and even their instincts. We can also begin to talk about their needs and how we can be of help to them. Those things may help us in reframing our mindset and actions towards them.

I have a friend who does not talk too much. In times that I long for affirmation, I would be frustrated. But instead of thinking that maybe he is not a true friend because he is not meeting my longing, I began to notice that he is a listener-type of person. As a result, I started thinking that his company and his knowledge of my ups and downs are testaments of how he affirms me as a person.

At the end of the day, people are truly beyond our control.

Our friends may fail us many times in ways they are aware and unaware of. At the end of the day, people are truly beyond our control. However, we can exempt ourselves from further disappointments, hurt, and bitterness by appreciating the power we have in reevaluating our thinking and perspectives.